Why me/us/we? I don’t know why our family lost our son. Why didn’t God stop it? Why did the universe conspire against our family?
I don’t know the answer to why my family is dealing with the loss of someone we love. The universe wasn’t against us. Nor was God. There wasn’t some curse or unforgivable sin that karma, or the universe decided that that day and time was when we had to suffer. It may have felt for a time that God or karma or the universe wanted to punish me that day, but it didn’t. Reality kicked me hard that day. I wasn’t insulated from the worst of worst situations of the world any longer. I lost one of my children.
I have to believe that what happened to me happens all the time throughout the world. Throughout nature. Humankind is not immune to the natural order of this world. We have advanced so much in our electronic world that we forget we are still human and just as in nature, an animal will lose its young, so will we. This doesn’t make my loss any less it is just a fact of life.
I am, at this point, just trying to work out the “why’s”. I did ask God “why me?” Why us? I’m sure my whole family asked the same thing. In my darkest despair I asked God what have I done to deserve this? And the answer is “Nothing.”
Sucks, right? It doesn’t close the hurt, it doesn’t soothe the ache. It doesn’t make sense. I have felt so angry at everything and everyone that such a senseless thing has happened.
So, what can I do with all that ‘why me’ emotional baggage? I’m refusing to carry it. I have a wife and 3 kids that need me. If I carry the ‘why me’ baggage it will take its toll on my spouse, kids, and extended family. My family has the strength that was put into them that will help us to persevere, to cope, to grow. We may lose our crap and fall back into the ‘why me’ world. I did just a few weeks back, but I pulled myself out of that poison pill.
Where does that leave us? I wish I had the answer. Since you are reading this, that means you are trying to figure things out or have possibly decided that you will continue on. I hope you do. There are families that have gone through many types of loss, and they need you. They need your testimony and strength so they too can continue on to cope and heal. The question of why you are dealing with what has happened will always be with you. Wondering who they were going to be, or the lives they would have touched will always be a “what if?” that you will carry to your last days. In all of this I pray that you will continue on, to love, and to have compassion for others. To hold each day as a gift and to treat it that way. The pain of THAT day has changed me, but the wounded heart will heal if you let it and the scar can become remembrance of that life lost. There is much good in this world, and we have a choice to see it and embrace it or to turn our back on it. My prayer is that you see the good in this world and embrace it.
May God’s peace be with you.
With love and compassion
Pat Santon
Loves From Luke.
